by Katherine O'Brien, Certified College Planning Specialist, Founder of Celtic College Consultants
What are the critical lessons we need to teach our kids
so they will be successful adults?
While they need to be able to read, write, and calculate, teens
need to learn a few other fundamental skills as well.
The bedrock of adulthood isn’t glamourous. It’s tedious.
Banal. Hidden. Unappreciated. Unseen. Yet, it is absolutely essential to living
a mature life and being a productive adult, a responsible man or woman, a great
employee, business owner, or volunteer, a good parent.
Teens need to learn discipline and resiliency. SO many these
days are not learning these two skills.
A professor friend recently shared that she told her college
students recently that they “weren’t coloring rainbows behind Noah’s ark”
anymore. This was college theology. These non-theology majors thought her intro
class would be an easy A. They have been stunned to find that they have to do
the work and submit it on time. Really? This is college success 101. Do the
work. Do it well. Turn it in on time.
Another professor friend related how he’s had to shift his
approach because so many have been using AI to do their work. Rather than read
the text and summarize it themselves, they were using AI to do that for them.
Now he is leading small group discussions, which demand that the students articulate
what they have read and learned. Again, college success 101. Do the work. Don’t
cheat.
How can we help our kids be successful in college and in life?
TEACH THEM TO DO THE WORK
1.
Hold them accountable to do the work that is
assigned. Whether that means you must oversee their work (which, I do realize,
is quite time consuming) or that they have to put actual pen/pencil to actual
paper, find ways to ensure your teen is doing the assigned work without assistance.
2.
A study group can be useful, of course, unless
it’s really a way for them to cheat. A group to discuss the material, review
their problem sets, troubleshoot difficulties can be very helpful. A group that
divides up the work so each does only a portion of the problem set or reading,
etc., truncates what each learns. Each only does a portion of the work. Groups
should do more than 100% of the work. Each member does 100% of the assignment,
THEN they meet to discuss it.
3.
Teach them how to get help when they are stuck,
need help, don’t understand. This is a key skill. Fewer and fewer teens are
able to ask for help. Advocating for yourself is a key skill, whether it means
asking for fresh fruit to be available, or that a portion of a school lesson be
explained again (and again).
4.
Teach discipline. Whether it’s physical
exercise, self-restraint, doing chores well or some other means, teach your
children to discipline themselves, to say no to themselves. Teach them to
harness their strength, to curb their selfishness, to work diligently to
develop their talents and habits of virtue.
Some practical suggestions:
Give your teen opportunities to ask for help,
to advocate for themselves. Have them make appointments, check in at the doctor’s
office, make calls or take the steps needed to get more information. Have them
plan a trip or vacation. Have them map out the errands, research where to
purchase something you’ve not purchased before, compare prices and features for
a major purchase, speaking to various salespeople to gather the information.
Set SMART goals for them. Teach them to
achieve them.
Specific – define the task/project clearly.
Measurable – have clearly measurable attributes
which indicate that the goal has been accomplished
Attainable – ensure that the goal is
actually possible. (It’s ok if the goal pushes them to ask for assistance, more
information, etc.)
Relevant – the goal should be relevant to
your life in some way.
Time-bound – a goal needs a deadline.
TEACH THEM TO MEET DEADLINES
Increasingly, students are being allowed to get extensions
on their work in high school. This kindness is sometimes actually necessary. Unforeseen
situations do arise. does happen.
Let’s teach our kids to plan ahead.
Here’s an example. One of my clients has a grandparent who
has had significant health challenges lately. Last week, it looked like she
might die. My student and her mom spent the entire night with her. Grandma is
home now, doing better. I coached my student to plan ahead from here on out,
finishing her tasks for school and her college applications and our meetings
ahead of time, allowing her to have a shot at submitting assignments and
applications by their deadline, even if Grandma’s health fails again and she
needs to tend to her.
Train kids to notice what possible challenges there are in
their lives and to plan accordingly. Allow extra time. Arrange for people to be
available to help in some way, in case they are needed. Often we are aware that
there is a need or possible situation that could arise. We know that the
laundry will need to be done, the car needs a tune up, etc. We know that
friends or relatives are coming into town next month or a holiday is coming up
and we need to prepare. By being aware of the potential demands on our time, we
can plan our tasks to allow us the time for those things. If they don’t arise,
then there will be extra time to improve the assignment, take a carefree walk
before an exam, etc.
TEACH THEM RESILIENCY - HOW TO GO ON AFTER FAILURE OR LOSS
The only way to learn how to bounce back from difficulty is
to experience difficulty and failure and loss. I regularly meet parents who
bend over backwards to ensure that their child’s life is comfortable, that as
many difficulties and obstacles as possible are removed from their life. While
I completely understand the desire to help our kids avoid pain, there is an
irreplaceable opportunity for growth in character, patience, and resiliency
when trials and suffering comes.
When suffering comes, teach your child to thank God. Teach
him or her how to bear the pain, how to cry, how to journal or exercise to
express the pain in their heart. Teach him or her how to constructively channel
their agony. Teach your child how to breathe despite the pain, that life goes
on, the sun keeps rising on a new day. Depend on God, cast your cares on Him.
Ground yourself when you are overcome – notice the chair you are sitting on,
the ground beneath your feet, the sounds of the birds and the air moving around
you, etc. Teach them how to move forward despite the fog of the pain, taking
one little step after another, despite the pain. Show your child how to
accompany others during times of grief or illness or suffering. Teach patience.
Cultivate the habit of keeping the long term in mind. What is now will pass
away.
Let them feel pain and loss. Let them learn to bear suffering.
Teach them how to break open failure. Failure is a powerful
teacher, if we but take the time to break it open. Examine what happened.
Identify the various factors, actions, decisions led to the outcome. Notice
what successes there were in the midst of the failure. Determine what could be
done differently and explore how to approach similar problems differently in
the future. Teach them the mindset of not identifying with their failures. They
are not their failures, nor are they defined by them. Show them the many
examples. Abraham Lincoln is one example. Jonathan Roumie is another. There are
many others. Break open the reality that the successful people have experienced
and learned from many failures in their lives and that success doesn’t happen
overnight, even if it sometimes looks like it does. Share your own story. For
most of us, our spouse was not our first love or first girl/boyfriend. Let your
children see that you failed and erred and learned and grew… and are continuing
to learn and grow.
