Three Critical Skills Teens Need to Thrive as Adults

by Katherine O'Brien, Certified College Planning Specialist, Founder of Celtic College Consultants

 

 

What are the critical lessons we need to teach our kids so they will be successful adults?

 

While they need to be able to read, write, and calculate, teens need to learn a few other fundamental skills as well.

 

The bedrock of adulthood isn’t glamourous. It’s tedious. Banal. Hidden. Unappreciated. Unseen. Yet, it is absolutely essential to living a mature life and being a productive adult, a responsible man or woman, a great employee, business owner, or volunteer, a good parent.

 

Teens need to learn discipline and resiliency. SO many these days are not learning these two skills.

 

A professor friend recently shared that she told her college students recently that they “weren’t coloring rainbows behind Noah’s ark” anymore. This was college theology. These non-theology majors thought her intro class would be an easy A. They have been stunned to find that they have to do the work and submit it on time. Really? This is college success 101. Do the work. Do it well. Turn it in on time.

 

Another professor friend related how he’s had to shift his approach because so many have been using AI to do their work. Rather than read the text and summarize it themselves, they were using AI to do that for them. Now he is leading small group discussions, which demand that the students articulate what they have read and learned. Again, college success 101. Do the work. Don’t cheat.

 

How can we help our kids be successful in college and in life?

 

TEACH THEM TO DO THE WORK

 

1.        Hold them accountable to do the work that is assigned. Whether that means you must oversee their work (which, I do realize, is quite time consuming) or that they have to put actual pen/pencil to actual paper, find ways to ensure your teen is doing the assigned work without assistance.

2.        A study group can be useful, of course, unless it’s really a way for them to cheat. A group to discuss the material, review their problem sets, troubleshoot difficulties can be very helpful. A group that divides up the work so each does only a portion of the problem set or reading, etc., truncates what each learns. Each only does a portion of the work. Groups should do more than 100% of the work. Each member does 100% of the assignment, THEN they meet to discuss it.

3.        Teach them how to get help when they are stuck, need help, don’t understand. This is a key skill. Fewer and fewer teens are able to ask for help. Advocating for yourself is a key skill, whether it means asking for fresh fruit to be available, or that a portion of a school lesson be explained again (and again).

4.        Teach discipline. Whether it’s physical exercise, self-restraint, doing chores well or some other means, teach your children to discipline themselves, to say no to themselves. Teach them to harness their strength, to curb their selfishness, to work diligently to develop their talents and habits of virtue.

 

Some practical suggestions:

 

Give your teen opportunities to ask for help, to advocate for themselves. Have them make appointments, check in at the doctor’s office, make calls or take the steps needed to get more information. Have them plan a trip or vacation. Have them map out the errands, research where to purchase something you’ve not purchased before, compare prices and features for a major purchase, speaking to various salespeople to gather the information.

 

Set SMART goals for them. Teach them to achieve them.

 

Specific – define the task/project clearly.

Measurable – have clearly measurable attributes which indicate that the goal has been accomplished

Attainable – ensure that the goal is actually possible. (It’s ok if the goal pushes them to ask for assistance, more information, etc.)

Relevant – the goal should be relevant to your life in some way.

Time-bound – a goal needs a deadline.

 

TEACH THEM TO MEET DEADLINES

 

Increasingly, students are being allowed to get extensions on their work in high school. This kindness is sometimes actually necessary. Unforeseen situations do arise. does happen.

 

Let’s teach our kids to plan ahead.

 

Here’s an example. One of my clients has a grandparent who has had significant health challenges lately. Last week, it looked like she might die. My student and her mom spent the entire night with her. Grandma is home now, doing better. I coached my student to plan ahead from here on out, finishing her tasks for school and her college applications and our meetings ahead of time, allowing her to have a shot at submitting assignments and applications by their deadline, even if Grandma’s health fails again and she needs to tend to her.

 

Train kids to notice what possible challenges there are in their lives and to plan accordingly. Allow extra time. Arrange for people to be available to help in some way, in case they are needed. Often we are aware that there is a need or possible situation that could arise. We know that the laundry will need to be done, the car needs a tune up, etc. We know that friends or relatives are coming into town next month or a holiday is coming up and we need to prepare. By being aware of the potential demands on our time, we can plan our tasks to allow us the time for those things. If they don’t arise, then there will be extra time to improve the assignment, take a carefree walk before an exam, etc.

 

TEACH THEM RESILIENCY - HOW TO GO ON AFTER FAILURE OR LOSS

 

The only way to learn how to bounce back from difficulty is to experience difficulty and failure and loss. I regularly meet parents who bend over backwards to ensure that their child’s life is comfortable, that as many difficulties and obstacles as possible are removed from their life. While I completely understand the desire to help our kids avoid pain, there is an irreplaceable opportunity for growth in character, patience, and resiliency when trials and suffering comes.

 

When suffering comes, teach your child to thank God. Teach him or her how to bear the pain, how to cry, how to journal or exercise to express the pain in their heart. Teach him or her how to constructively channel their agony. Teach your child how to breathe despite the pain, that life goes on, the sun keeps rising on a new day. Depend on God, cast your cares on Him. Ground yourself when you are overcome – notice the chair you are sitting on, the ground beneath your feet, the sounds of the birds and the air moving around you, etc. Teach them how to move forward despite the fog of the pain, taking one little step after another, despite the pain. Show your child how to accompany others during times of grief or illness or suffering. Teach patience. Cultivate the habit of keeping the long term in mind. What is now will pass away.

 

Let them feel pain and loss. Let them learn to bear suffering.

 

Teach them how to break open failure. Failure is a powerful teacher, if we but take the time to break it open. Examine what happened. Identify the various factors, actions, decisions led to the outcome. Notice what successes there were in the midst of the failure. Determine what could be done differently and explore how to approach similar problems differently in the future. Teach them the mindset of not identifying with their failures. They are not their failures, nor are they defined by them. Show them the many examples. Abraham Lincoln is one example. Jonathan Roumie is another. There are many others. Break open the reality that the successful people have experienced and learned from many failures in their lives and that success doesn’t happen overnight, even if it sometimes looks like it does. Share your own story. For most of us, our spouse was not our first love or first girl/boyfriend. Let your children see that you failed and erred and learned and grew… and are continuing to learn and grow.

 

 

Campus Readiness Quiz

 

by Katherine O'Brien, ThD Cand., Certified College Planning Specialist

Founder, Celtic College Consultants

 Helping teens be ready for success on campus entails more than helping them develop good study skills and the ability to perform well on tests, oral presentations, and group projects. Numerous personal responsibility skills, interpersonal communication skills, and practical skills are also important as students adapt to independent life on a college campus. This quiz helps teens evaluate their strengths and identify their weaknesses, so they can target their efforts as they finish their preparations to move onto campus.

As I work with teens, I help  them develop these skills. To meet and discuss your teen's college readiness, email me at KOB@CelticCollegeConsultants.com and request a consultation.

Personal/life skills

Can you regulate your emotions? Calm yourself when you are afraid or irritated? Settle yourself when you are angry or disappointed? Motivate yourself when you feel discouraged?

Can you manage your time well? Exercise self-discipline regarding eating, sleeping, studying, working, having fun, relaxing?

Can you organize large, complex tasks?

Can you resist temptation?

Can you navigate public transportation, uber/lyft, airports, etc. to get where you need to go to get toiletries, medicine, home to visit, etc.?

Can you manage your health needs? Eat well, take prescribed medicines, handle over the counter medical needs like colds, allergies, and the flu? Exercise adequately and regularly? Take meditation and prayer breaks to lower stress?

Can you motivate yourself when you don't "feel like" doing what needs to be done?

Can you adequately reward yourself for successes?

Do you know when to ask for help?

Are you able to manage a minor emergency?

Do you have a stable, effective night routine so you can get to sleep? Do you have the discipline needed to get yourself to bed in time to get enough sleep to be ready for the next day?

Do you have a plan for handling a major crisis, especially if you attend a college more than a couple of hours away from home or your parents travel, have other responsibilities, etc.?

Can you limit texting, etc. adequately in order to be present where you are, able to meet and interact with those near you, not just those not near you?

Interpersonal skills

Can you handle interpersonal conflict well? Compromise or negotiate respectfully in order to settle a dispute? 

Can you set boundaries with people, setting the stage for being treated with respect?

Can you say you are sorry when you need to? Make necessary amends? Let go of grievances?

Do you have a plan to regularly communicate with your parents so they aren't dropping by or calling and texting constantly and so you don't get too lonesome?

Can you advocate for yourself as needed? 

Are you welcoming? Can you make friends?

Practical skills

Can you do laundry? Treat common stains? Take care of specialty garments and fabrics?

Can you budget your money? Track your expenditures and your bank balance(s)? Can you say no to impulse spending opportunities, be they pizza, events, or online specials?

Do you know how to present yourself? In an interview? Informally with a professor in order to give a good impression, gain trust, and build a mentor/mentee relationship? 

Can you ask for help when you need it? Whether a lost student ID or key (contact security) or mental health crisis (for yourself or another), a medical need of some sort (when to go to the clinic, urgent care, or the ER), go to the writing center, seek out a tutor, get directions, or some other need?

Can you keep your things organized and your room tidy? Can you clean a bathroom? a kitchen?

Can you decorate your living space in a way that invites people to feel welcome, and yourself to rest and relax? Your room is your oasis on campus, can you utilize it well?

Do you know where to find the library, counseling center, health clinic, gym, professors' offices, classrooms, printing center(s), tutoring center(s), writing center(s) on campus? 

If you need support services, can you self-advocate to arrange for them?

Do you read your emails regularly? Colleges communicate important information yet many students don't read it. This can cause you from not being registered for classes, not getting credit for your courses, getting kicked off campus for non-payment, and many other headaches.

Do you know what a bursar's office is? It's the place you pay for your tuition and other bills from the college/university.

Do you know what the registrar's office is?

What is a syllabus? Why does it matter?

What are the dining options on your campus and how do you plan to use your flex dollars so you don't run out nor go hungry?

Where can you go on campus to get some time alone, some time to recharge, rest your mind, de-stress?

What does an academic advisor do? 

Why should you go to the career office starting your freshman year? What help can they offer you?

Where do you get specialty advising (like double major, honors college, or pre-professional) on your campus?

Do you have reading and assignments due before your first class meets? How do you find out?

What do you do if your laptop breaks?

Where do you go to get medicine? Is there a pharmacy on campus or nearby?

What are the best places to study on your campus?

How do you learn whether your paper is up to college standards?

How and when do you need to re-file a FAFSA or other aid application forms for subsequent years of college?

How can campus security help you? Are you wise enough to call for a night security escort when needed?

Boost Happiness and College Success

 

by Katherine O'Brien, ThD, Certified College Planning Specialist, Founder, Celtic College Consultants

We all want the same thing for ourselves and our kids, college bound or not. We want to:

• Do our best work!
• Live intentionally!
• Be successful! (good grades, work promotions, etc.)
• Have less stress in your life!
• Be able to enjoy life (take care of responsibilities, and actually relax when it’s time to have fun!)
• Gain clarity about what’s most important in your life!
• Have a clear reason to get out of bed in the morning
• Be able to make the world a better place, make a difference!
  
• Be less stressed and grumpy
• Keep your commitments!
  
• Make good decisions about opportunities that come up. (Do I have time for this? Can I make the time and take care of my responsibilities?)

Learning to manage our time and complete our work by deadlines is a critical skill we all need to be successful in high school, college, and in life. This is one of those practices generally referred to as self-discipline.

A deadline tells us what needs to be done, and in what time frame, to have positive outcomes in our life. Deadlines are also signals that there are negative consequences ahead which can be avoided. Late fees on bills, cancelled services, lower grades, these are examples of possible negative consequences.

 

Know Your Deadlines & Create Your Own Mini-Deadlines

 

Be aware of Deadlines – the first step is acknowledging the existence of deadlines

 

For larger projects is to break it down into steps and assign them deadlines. This will help you make steady progress, avoiding the situation of having “everything” need to be done quickly just before the deadline. When that happens, cutting corners to get the work done on time is inevitable, as is increased stress. Both degraded performance and intense stress can be avoided.

 

Some people argue that they do their best work in the rush of the last moment. They are kidding themselves. What I think they really mean is that the pressure of a looming deadline is necessary for them to put forth effort and that they are unaware of how much better their work and life could be.

 

Stepping through a project offers numerous small deadlines/ pressure points to complete the various tasks that “forces” you to complete the work, bit by bit. These deadlines also serve as markers that you are making progress, so you need to improve, when you are falling behind, or can relax a bit, if you are ahead. This process also allows you to focus on one portion of a large task at a time, and do it well. As you become experienced with this, you can schedule in “extra” time to review and refine your work, thus enhancing the overall outcome. It is delightful to find that we can do better than we previously thought, and that our lives can be more steady, less stress filled, more enjoyable, than we’d previously experienced.
 

Know what Motivates You - Create an Image of Yourself Being Successful

 

Be aware of what motivates you, and incorporate it into your life. – remind yourself of the negative consequences, remind yourself of the positive possibilities, leave visual reminders of them, reminders on your phone, post it notes, notes on your mirror, vision boards, whatever works

 

Reminders of what you are working to avoid, or working to accomplish, can be highly motivating. Having a picture of yourself in a cap and gown, at a podium speaking to an audience, etc. can be such an encouragement, and a reminder of why the present toil is worth doing, and doing well. Create a "vision board" of you accomplishing your big goals, avoiding the pitfalls, being successful!

 

Set Reminders 

 

Use visible reminders of the stages, of the next deadline, to help you stay on task! Use a calendar to get things done, to step yourself through the process. Put the various steps onto your calendar, reserving time – schedule research the topic/create thesis statement, schedule write outline, schedule research Part I on outline, etc. Put reminders on your phone, sticky notes on your mirror. Whatever works for you, do it!

 

Allow for the Unexpected

 

Allow extra time for hiccups, problems, distractions, etc. So add in buffer times to handle these unexpected occurrences. This is critical to successfully completing tasks by deadlines.

 

In the beginning, "Frontload" Your Timeline 

 

If you are new at something, “frontload” your plan. Be aggressive with your goals for the first half of two-thirds of the allotted time. Plan to finish the whole project in three-quarters of the allotted time (I have school assignments in mind here.) If the teacher assigns a paper that’s due in four weeks, write your plan to have it done in three weeks. Set a week one goal, week two goal, week three goal – completion! Work hard to meet your goals. Notice what took more time than you expected. Does that task often take longer? Did you waste time? Noticing these sort of things gives you the information you need to improve your process. For example, I find pulling together a thesis statement to be challenging. To get it done with enough time to do the required research, outlining, drafting, and editing, I allot a lot of time to it and break it down even further. I might set a goal to have research done over the weekend, a thesis or two written Monday, and set a meeting with my teacher to discuss it on Tuesday. The meeting does a few things to help me along. It forces me to focus, since I don’t want to arrive at the meeting without any ideas. It also gives me the opportunity to get clarity from the teacher – yes, this is a good direction, no that’s a distraction, your focus is too broad, or too narrow. In effect, I’m getting a course correction at the start, rather than after I’ve spent lots of time researching and drafting my paper, only to realize I don’t have enough material to produce an adequate paper, or that I have far too much, both of which require me to go back to the thesis statement, revise it, and significantly revise all that I have done so far. 

 

One of the benefits of “frontloading” my timeline for a project is that it gives me “wiggle room.” I now have time to finish early, get feedback from others, or to let it sit for a few days, then look it over to catch any rough transitions or other little edits I can make to improve the flow (and my grade!)

 

Another benefit of “frontloading” the timeline is that there’s room to allot more time to a task that is requiring more time than originally expected.

 

You may also have the happy experience of being done, knowing your work is well done, and relaxing while others are stressed and doing a rush job just before the deadline.

 

Katherine O'Brien is available to help your teen prepare for college and beyond. Email kob@CelticCollegeConsultants.com to schedule a consultation.

 

Essential Life Skills Teens Must Learn Before They Leave Home

Photo by Kipras Štreimikis on Unsplash

Article by Katherine O'Brien, ThD candidate, Certified College Planning Specialist

This is what we hope for when we visit our children in their first apartment or dorm suite. Such a scene, full of cleanliness and orderliness, does not happen automatically.

 While many of us are aware of good study habits, carefully course selection, the ability to attain top test scores, and basic time management as skills we need to help our teens develop, there are a host of additional skills they also need in order to flourish once they move out of our homes, whether to work or to study at university.

Here is the list I use when I work with my students, particularly during the Spring of their senior year.

Domestic Skills

Meal planning, shopping, and preparation

Cleaning a kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, and living area properly

Maintaining a yard - in every season

Laundry - treating stains, sorting clothes, proper care of garments, proper storage, use of a hamper, not the floor for dirty and wet clothes and towels

Cleaning hair out of a sink, shower, and/or tub drain

Pushing chairs in after use/ Tidying up after yourself in general

Trash management - use the bin, not the floor!

Clipping nails over a waste basket

Be a Good Roommate

Say please and thank you as necessary

Make eye contact during conversations

No electronics during meals and around company in general

Be kind to strangers

Be on time 

Keep promises

Be trustworthy

Don't gossip

Know how to resolve conflicts and work through difficulties

Financial Skills

Budgeting

Know how to pay bills - online, cash, with check

Understand how insurance works (home, car, life, health)

Understand how debt works, and how to avoid it, and how to get out of it as needed

Understand taxes - how they work, how to file, state, federal 

Self Care

Make own appointments

Arrange own transportation - walk, bike, car, taxi/uber/lyft, bus, train, plane

Manage time

Know how to get help when needed - practical, repairs, counseling, tutoring, medical, etc.

Learn from mistakes and failures

What strategies can you use to manage stress? 

Pay attention to yourself. Are you flourishing or surviving?

College (and Life) Plan/Goals

What do you want to learn? Academically, personally, socially, etc.

How do you want to show up? Be intentional.

What experiences do you want to have? To avoid?

Networking - who and what kinds of people do you want to meet? social, professional, professors, mentors, peers, etc.

What programs/opportunities do you want to participate in during your junior and senior year? How can you prepare for them?

How can you best organize your tasks and your time?